I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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