I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
