Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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