I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dignity is for republicans.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
