I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
