Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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