I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
