dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
