I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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