im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
