he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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