im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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