Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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