I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
