He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
