I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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