You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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