New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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