I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
