apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
