I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
