I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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