I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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