its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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