Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
