Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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