I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
