I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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