drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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