saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
