You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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