Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
