So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
