He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
