Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
