I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
