Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
