I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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