I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
