My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
