so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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