Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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