ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
