The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
