it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
