Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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