i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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