I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
