it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
