Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
