Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There r osticjed everywhere
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
